not my day.

Yesterday was not my day.  It started at 1:58 AM when my dog woke me up to pee.  I kept thinking if I lay real still she will think I am sleeping and will go back to bed.  She didn’t.  After letting her out, I was awake for the next two hours, thinking about all the things I need to get done.  When my alarm went off at 6:30 I made a cup of coffee and got back in bed to have quiet time with God.  Just as I was leaning over to grab my Bible, I spilled hot coffee all down my leg and in my bed. 

I prayed for peace on my way to work, but the day didn’t improve much.  The hardest part about working for a ministry is the limited resources available.  I know what is possible, but I can only do so much.  I found myself feeling jealous of ministries that have a much larger budget and seemingly infinite resources.  The fact that we are on the same team was the farthest thing from my mind.  Every obstacle I encountered that didn’t have an easy solution seemed to mean failure.  Wasn’t my desire to change the lives of orphans worthy of your blessing, God?

After work, I went to get my hair cut.  The hour appointment turned into four as the stylist seemed to want to comb and style each hair.  All I wanted to do was yell “Hurry up, it’s not that hard!”  I prayed for God to change my heart.

I walked to my car as the sun was going down and drove home to discover my laptop missing from my bag.  “It must have gotten stolen from the empty parking lot because I was at the salon so long.”  I slumped down on my kitchen floor and felt defeated.  “Please Lord, not this,” was all I could pray.  My mind raced with the work documents that were only on my computer, and the passwords saved on my desktop that accessed my bank accounts, emails, and work database housing all our confidential information.  I went to change all my passwords from my roommates computer but discovered our internet wasn’t working.  I decided to call my co-worker to see if I had forgotten my computer at work, before calling the police to file a report.  She answered and told me I had left it on my desk.  I wanted to kiss her.  

As I was putting my clean, wrinkled sheets back on my bed, my mind raced with all the ways the day had gone wrong.  I couldn’t help but ask, “God, what was that today?”   

Suddenly I remembered.  The sunrise on my way to work that broke through the clouds perfectly while a song of God’s glory played on the radio.  The staff meeting where I was moved to tears over the impact our ministry is having on children around the world.  My co-workers who care enough about my life to ask how I am really doing (and notice when I forget my computer).  The incredible growth of Back2Back despite limited resources.  The conversation with a slow moving hair stylist to talk about her dreams in life.  The sunset that flooded my view all the way home.  My roommate who was determined to come with me to look for my computer.  My inability to change all my passwords before discovering I didn’t need to.  The insight of my need to have a plan if my computer ever were to disappear.  Clean sheets to smell as I fall asleep.

The best realization is that, without God, I wouldn't have found meaning in any of it.  It would have simply been a bad day.  But seeing God’s hand in my life, I know that I am not alone.  It’s never “just a bad day” and it's never a lost cause.  Life isn’t picture perfect and it doesn’t run smoothly.  God doesn’t need perfect circumstances to work in my life.  He doesn’t need unlimited resources to changes the lives of hundreds of orphans.  Back2Back doesn't need to be like any ministry other than the one it is.  And neither do I.  I just need to trust God and walk with Him.  

peace on a hard day.

Do you know what the hardest part about my job is?

It’s not having difficult conversations with sponsors, mundane data entry, or support raising. It is seeing injustice occur that I am unable to change.  It is knowing children have been taken advantage of, and wondering if I could have done something to prevent it.  It is realizing that more often than not, the wicked prosper.   It is trusting God with the children I cannot reach and in situations I cannot fix. 

I love talking about God’s love.  I could go on and on about His mercies, His blessings, and His goodness. But it’s when my job gets hard and I lie awake at night, that His justice comforts me.  If we stop short at thinking God is only love, our view of Him is dwarfed.  It is true that God is the very definition of love.  What makes His love so amazing though is that He is also just.   It’s not that His justice balances out His love.  He is wholly Love and He is wholly Just.   He hates sin.  He is a holy and perfect God.  Which means He requires perfection.  That’s what makes His love so astonishing.  How could He love such a sinful bunch?

Which is why I am so thankful that Jesus paid the price for my sins.  The truth is, I don’t deserve even an ounce of God’s love.  I am as bad as the men I despise.   It is only because of Jesus that I am able to know God.

I feel compelled to tell you that the evil we see all around us will not win in the end.  There will be a day very soon when each of us is held accountable for the wrongs we have done.  History proves this is not a popular message, but it is a true message.  For those of us who trust in the payment Jesus made on the cross for our sins, that day is nothing to be feared.  We can anticipate that sweet moment when we get to meet our Savior face to face. 

Until then, we must trust.  Trust that God is both Love and Just.  He is Mercy and Truth.  Not every child we reach thrives.  Not every child is rescued.  Not every child is protected from pain.  But we can trust that Jesus is returning, and the world will be set right.

numbers don't lie.

My small group is doing a Bible study by Beth Moore called Believing God.  In it, Beth challenges us to look for ways God is showing up in our lives.  She calls these moments “God-stops”.  I have loved recognizing these “God-stops” in my life, and acknowledging God for His presence and faithfulness.  So often we don’t see the things God is doing all around us.  But that doesn’t mean He isn’t there.

I had a God-stop today that literally stopped me in my tracks.  It forced me to acknowledge God’s hand in the situation and give Him the glory.  Allow me to rewind for a moment and explain. 

Everyone who works at Back2Back is a missionary and raises support so that the money given to the ministry goes towards orphan care, rather than salaries.  When I was offered my current position, the interim person filling in for the Child Sponsorship Program was leaving at the end of May.  That meant the ministry needed me to start right away.  The only problem was, I had only just started raising support to come on staff, and was nowhere close to being fully supported.  I was fairly certain God was calling me to this position, but in weak moments, I wondered if it was my desire or God’s.  I prayed fervently for God to guide me, and promised I would follow wherever He led.  Over and over I felt Him whispering, “Trust me.”  So I took the first step.  I quit my job.

For those of you who have been living under a rock the last few years, I’ve got news for you.  We’re in a recession.  Jobs aren’t exactly a dime a dozen.  I’m no fool, and I knew a stable job was something to be coveted.  But I also knew that faith is trusting what cannot be seen.  The Spirit’s prompting in my heart was so strong that I felt if I didn’t quit my job, I would be deliberately disobeying what God was telling me to do.  And saying no to God is not something I try to make a habit of.

When I met with Back2Back’s directors to discuss coming on staff, the goal they gave me was to have 50% of my support raised by July 31^st.  I remember when they first told me this number; they asked if I thought this was feasible, given the short time frame.  Since I had never raised support before, I nodded my head confidently, believing that if that was what I needed to do, God would come through.  Truthfully though, I had no idea if this was a lofty goal or one of those ‘slam dunk’ kinds of goals to build my confidence. 

I quickly realized it was no slam-dunk.  Raising support is hard work.  More than that, it’s humbling.  Every insecurity I ever struggled with, I re-lived.  At times it was painful.  God was pruning me.  I tried to take it personally.  But that’s another story for another day.

Fast forward to today: the day I got my income report for the month of July.  It was the moment of truth.  It’s one thing to trust God in the hypotheticals.  It’s quite another to trust Him with a number.  I got my calculator out and started punching. 

27% raised in monthly commitments.  23% raised in special gifts. 

I could barely believe my eyes.  I rechecked.  Sure enough.  I’ve raised exactly 50% of my support by July 31^st.  I couldn’t be a skeptic if I wanted to be.  

Can I be honest with you?  I am nothing special.  If you’ve met me, you already know this.  I'm about as average as it gets.  If God was faithful to me, He’ll be faithful to you.  I dare you to trust Him.  Take a step.  He won’t let you down.

more than numbers.

I wanted to take a quick minute and give an update on the Child Sponsorship Program.  I just completed my first quarterly board report, and it was so encouraging to see the progress in terms of actual numbers.  I tend to be a black and white thinker, so numbers are my thing.  God has shown me the power in stories, but sometimes seeing statistics speaks in big ways.

> Total number of children in our program: 476 (which is about to grow tremendously as we begin working with new orphanages in Nigeria, Haiti, and Mazatlan)
> Total number of children sponsored: 286
> 66 new child sponsors (since I started)
> 22 pending sponsors

The best part about these particular numbers is-- they aren't just numbers.  These are children whose lives are being changed.  286 children who are receiving proper nutrition, the chance to get an education, and understanding they are loved.  These are people who are deciding to invest in something bigger than themselves.  Each one has a story and a way that God is moving in their lives.  As much as I love numbers, nothing gets me excited quite like that.

Check out what Andrew and Anna Conrad (Back2Back missionaries in Cancun) recently had so say about Back2Back's Child Sponsorship Program, and the unique relationship built between sponsor and child:
http://blog.agconrad.com/2012/06/real-impact-of-child-sponsorship.html